adyos po

so i've been wrapped up the past several days pitching my candidacy for a finance job. had my final interviews locally & got the offer on monday. excellent $$$, in my line of work, and it gets me out of here. i've been internally debating the prospect the past 24 hours, but i think i'm gonna take it. no gripes with SF generally, but on retrospect, i think it's one of those "nice to visit, but wouldn't want to live there"-type places. beautiful, clean, but a bit lacking in character. and i need to return to productive society.

pretty ironic, she came here to be with me, now she's the one staying. i won't ever see her again. i had this fantasy that one day she'd be standing outside #12 when i came rumbling up, and i could apologize. i have many regrets--i think she knows which. it's also saddening that, it seems she honestly believes i never cared, that my sentiments & actions were untrue, postured, not genuine. i don't know how in her heart of hearts she can believe this. i wanted to look into her eyes once more and tell her it was real. it'll be yet another thing left unsaid, unresolved between us.

i've determined now that i am a neo-epicurean--passive acceptance of inevitable death and annihilation, and with that recognition, taken to limiting wants and ambitions to those trappings and outcomes that could reasonably be achieved within a normal lifetime. i hope one day V can know that i did love her. this may seem an immodest goal, but my trivial life has few others so important.



"Maginot Line" will return with daily rants next week. The author has not been placed on "suicide-watch" at this time, notwithstanding epicureans' theoretical indifference to life.